Weak and Powerless

I never thought I'd fear them. I never believed I would become so weak and so powerless.

She terrifies me... She's been speaking a lot, wishing a lot to be alone forever. It isn't like this is new, but it isn't ancient either. It's a craving and a sorrow she's holding. It's surfaced about a year ago, and I had hoped it would go away. It hasn't and now she's wishing she was dead.

And I'm terrified. I'm not scared of death, I'm not even scared of being alone.

But she says she doesn't want anyone anymore, no one except for me that is. To be alone together, and forget about everything else. She isn't insane, I am. And I am also afraid.

She wants to give up she says. She wants to go far far away she says.

I try and laugh and shrug it off, but I'm afraid that she is beginning to really mean it.

I'm fearful and I'm sad, sad she feels that way, and sad that I'm the reciever of her love. I'm hers, she isn't mine, and if she really willed it, I know I would have to follow her. I don't have te strength to say no. Because I'm afraid.

She's denying everything, reclusing and I see her fire dying and it's painful to watch because there is nothing I can do for her. Always negotiating, never moving forwards.

This isn't going to go away, and when she asks me I don't know what I will say. Maybe I won't say anything, I'll only shut myself away from her and we'll both die slowly but not in eachother's comfort because people are born into this world alone... and they die alone.

There's no smile of an angel without the wrath of God

Oh Ville, you are the perfect dark prince. Broody, tantilizingly beautiful, a pained and hungering voice, and the most seductive eyes on both your face and back. Ha ha!

Excellent.

Aside from all of that, he also seems to have a beautiful soul. How couldn't he? He writes like an angel and sings like a demon.

"There's no smile of an angel without the wrath of God."

Too true, I've found myself in a questioning state for a very long time. When I enter these phases, it's worse than having my period. And I swear these cycles do not have any sort of connection! Anyway, now that I've thoroughly disgusted myself and probably anyone bothers reading this...

Sorry!!!

But seriously, my brain begins to throb and I can't even focus on whatever task is at hand because I'm so engrossed in trying to solve the problem in my mind. If I'm lucky it'll be something simple like the meaning of life. Of course, there are other times where it is not so simple and it lasts for weeks on end. Then I get all icky and depressed. I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Then of course there is the most annoying of all, where I don't know what the question is... but I get all of these clues. The clues come in forms of dreams, then of course thoughts when I'm too hung up on the undiscovered question to sleep, writing music or drawing music where I just sit down and draw or write with music playing, not thinking, not even listening just having my hand move. Once I discover these types of questions, they're also the hardest to solve.

Unfortunately I haven' discovered the question plaguing me this week. I have a feeling however that is has something to do with God, and something to do with insanity... maybe it's about religious nuts. If it turns out to be interesting, I'll write it down.

Writing is history, if I write you down, you're my past.

Beautiful.

Adding Shadows

Amazing short film. Though it may seem to have no real plot, it holds so much emotion it its loose story frame.

The colors are what drew me to the film in the first place. The vivid reds that seem to practically vibrate between the film's central figure and the red tree.

Lately bright colors have been inspiring me a lot. Partially because of influences from one of my dearest friends, Hillary. Because truly truly truly, colors are practically her life. I love them, but I can't say they hold the same deep meaning to me, though they do completely tie into art (which is what has managed to completely engulf my life currently). So it sort of seems like a contradiction. Immediately the word art brings all these vivid images of markers and paints and clay and colored glass. All of these sharp colors just swirling around looking for a placement in the piece. All set juxtaposed they create something, something beautiful and vivid.

Maybe, I'm her opposite. Because I see color like everyone else I suppose but instead I see it both as a color but most importantly a shadow or a hue. Color's power isn't in its actual color it's in the shadow for me. However, the brighter the color the darker and intense and deeper the shadow which really really creates an amazing effect. Therefore, I feel as if I can still relate to what she feels. Which is all very helpful for my concentration pieces on her and her dreams and color. I don't think I'd be able to achieve such a realistic result which such insane colors if it weren't for this shadow vision ability.

I call it my shutter vision because it kinda works like a camera shutter. Black and white is what holds all the beauty to me. All the swirling and shades and contrast it can create by intermingling with... /everything/. Add shadows to a music and see what happens, I assure you it's magic.

I know the shadows prevent everything from being beautiful and colorful but, I wouldn't have it any other way. I find it dull and I find it harsh and abstract and neverending, and it's the most beautiful way I percieve things.

Amazing right? Just like the video and just like her and just like all the shadows in the world.

In need of a little colorshock? Check out her site: http://xxjakoxx.deviantart.com/