I want to see

Standing on the border is always the most difficult position to hold. Because you have to say the truth, you have to explain yourself. No one asks why you're holding the gold or the silver they only begin to get curious why you hold copper. You can't tell them the truth because they won't believe you, you have to make up a lie so that they leave you alone.

They don't want you to tell the truth, no one ever does. They want the manufactured facetious typical openmouthed sore kissed abstraction.

And as I write, the fucking junkie reaction is growing. It started at my wrist again, it almost always does, it's rare that it happens on my leg or even less on my neck. The itching, the burning, the swelling. Maybe I should take pictures and look at them a week later to see if I was hallucinating. It happened suddenly, at first I thought it was an allergic reaction... it began like a bugbite and then the point turned out to grow and stretch as if a worm beneath my skin was writhing up my arm and around and around leaving it's mark on me. Then, moments later after I nearly drew blood from scratching it disappeared.

God I hate begin insane... or thinking I'm insane. No I don't. I don't know. I'm on the fence and I'm looking over at each side and neither seem like home. I won't scratch I'll let the shadow fester there until it gets bored.

I remember once when I was small I went fishing with my dad. I always enjoyed these fishing trips. The rocks were high and deadly and one wrong step and either you'd fall into the devastating and beautiful ocean, or you'd break your fragile body on the rocky face of the high jagged stones. The danger and the sheer rush of the ocean crashing against the rocks and occasionally rushing over you was thrilling. The whistling wind engulfing me and the desperation of just trying to survive the day.

However on a particular day I was trying to scale one of the rocks in order to get to our fishing outpost as I turned to look down and make sure I had the right footing I caught a glimpse of an ominous black. I remember I was frightened at first and I turned to look directly at it. For a second, a very split second it was the figure of a man a man of all black and his being was misty as if unsure whether or not he wanted to exist in the world. He paid no mind to be but his deep black eyes burned with solitude. Despite his blackness, he had reflection and the light he emitted was looming and forever present. It pierced into me and the waves engulfed him at the same time they engulfed me and didn't let me go. His eyes bled the darkness.

Then my dad grabbed my arm by the elbow and yanked me up to the top on the rock on which he stood. I had slipped a bit when I had been transfixed and it seemed as if it had gone on for eternity, but it was only a moment. A hanging moment in which the space was warped.

I've seen that man a few times again in my life, but never with the same lingering doom and end.

So death and darkness are beautiful because they are the most simple and least complex things in this universe. Death is the certain end for everything and you know the sun will always set even if the sun remains high in the sky.

What is not certain is the reaction that comes of these things. I've seen the very best and the very worst in this world and each time it creates a whirling cycle of confusion. Because as I have mentioned many times tragedy is the greatest fame, the more horrible things you've suffered the more famed and loved and renowned and honored you will be. You can be a dashing hero and emerge without a scratch and you will be interviewed but even more they want to know how the victim the man who emerged with only one limb and a scarred memory and hatred feels and how he managed to survive.

It isn't that suffering shouldn't be honored, it is the fixation people have on it. Even more, if the victim does die then we turn to the suffering family to find out how they feel. I wonder how they feel after one of their branches have died. Could it be sadness? No, most definately not, we must find out because they cannot be feeling remorse!!!!

Rest in peace Guzman, I am sure you fought bravely in the war. I never met you but I pity you, not anymore than the other soldiers who have died in this war, but I pity you because of the ignorant people who surrounded your remains and wished for nothing more but to spill their woes and appear on the camera. Continue without fear. The world will continue they way it is.

Lovely movie, lovely song... but anyway I suppose I should provide a clip that isn't so crack addicted yes?

Here we go!

I know it seems like I'm insane and I'm a user and whatnot, and I'm actually beginning to get the feeling someone is stuffing me full of drugs because it's kinda insane that I should be getting all of these reactions without my knowledge of taking anything.

Anyway what I mean is that I have druggie vision and druggie sensation. Weird worms writithing inbetween my veins and clogging up the blood, making terrible bruises and penetrated skin. I'm dancing on a volcano and I'm trying not to mix things up and fall into it where my broken skin will just char and fall of me.

Maybe I should throw myself in as a form of rebirth. No amount of shadow can engulf me to hold me back anymore. I found the question and I found the answer. It did have to do with God as I had suspected and had to do with a.... hallucination? dream? mind trip? journey? I don't know what I would call it but it involved a man, a very sad man who had nothing at all to live for and yet he was trying to show me the way. Anyway the question was, can God be found in the shadows? God is the leading light, the holy spirit the burning flame on the bush. How could God be found in the darkness and the very damp the damned and the lost hated? Well I've discovered God isn't in the shadows. God free zone. So now I think I'm wrong and God is punishing me by forcing shadow into my veins and skin cause it is still crawling and itching and burning and I feel it move.

Freakin A. Blood and darkness don't mix no matter how hard I try, just like oil and water....