The Theory

Rising

2010-08-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know if reincarnation exists. But if it does... there are stimulants that give you deja-vu.

I know I've heard this song before- in another lifetime.

Make one wish...

2010-08-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

this is my wish.

Avoidance

2010-08-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

I knew keeping a blog was a terrible idea. Not only am I terrible at it- I hate looking back at it. And isn't that the pathetic part? That it's about looking back?

An english teacher once told me... don't become a writer. No matter how much you love it- stay away from it. I understand what they meant. The worst part of it all- I listened to them.

WOW!!!! REVELATIONS?!

2008-08-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

SKIP TO LIKE 7:47 IF YOU STRICTLY WANT TO READ THE PART OF EXTREME REVELATIONS!!!!

chibiseishiraon7 (7:01:12 PM): u are profound after all.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:01:23 PM): impressive use of the work annotation
chibiseishiraon7 (7:01:28 PM): word*
electronicaxoxox (7:01:40 PM): awwwn thanks.
electronicaxoxox (7:02:00 PM): It's just feels strange when people tell me stuff like that... I'unno...
electronicaxoxox (7:02:01 PM): lol
chibiseishiraon7 (7:02:10 PM): oh really.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:02:21 PM): im sorry. but we all now im a strange creature.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:02:23 PM): know*
electronicaxoxox (7:03:07 PM): lol no need to apologize. It's just that I'm like... mehbeh I should listen to myself more often, if I'm actually profound and poetic. >.<
chibiseishiraon7 (7:04:10 PM): lol. ok. nessa. but if dont listen to yourself, i will. and catch wat i can.
electronicaxoxox (7:04:53 PM): lol I suppose I listen to my thoughts but I don't actually know what like thinking is.
electronicaxoxox (7:05:01 PM): I've been thinking a lot about how I think... xD
chibiseishiraon7 (7:05:12 PM): wow.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:05:14 PM): deep.
electronicaxoxox (7:05:12 PM): except not really because I don't know what it is or how to begin to describe it.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:05:52 PM): your are trying to describe in words what it means to use and manipulate one's cognition.
electronicaxoxox (7:06:44 PM): Well in particular mine. since other people I've asked seem to be able to recognize how they think.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:07:42 PM): like how the go about thinking?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:08:00 PM): u mean the process or like in wat context they think?
electronicaxoxox (7:08:47 PM): like.... when you think of something what happens? Do you see something? Do you hear something?
electronicaxoxox (7:09:08 PM): Cause like hillary says she can think in colors.
electronicaxoxox (7:09:20 PM): And greg said he thinks in an outline form and sees words.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:09:32 PM): whose greg?
electronicaxoxox (7:09:35 PM): and well yeah it goes on. I wonder if it's unique for everyone...
electronicaxoxox (7:09:37 PM): a friend.
electronicaxoxox (7:09:43 PM): he doesn't go to our school.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:09:49 PM): oh it might be.
electronicaxoxox (7:09:54 PM): how do you think if I may ask?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:10:08 PM): its something i read in psychology.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:10:25 PM): its like how like asian people tend to be smarter its how they think,
chibiseishiraon7 (7:10:44 PM): i just read a paper about how they see relationships rather than individuals.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:10:50 PM): furthermore, in like AP psychology
chibiseishiraon7 (7:11:24 PM): it was talking about how our thoughts and mind or a combination of how senses and how we perceieve them, so maybe thats why people think differently.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:11:49 PM): they are able to recognize the same thing but sometimes unconsciously their mind acquires a
chibiseishiraon7 (7:12:05 PM): unique method of association.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:12:13 PM): but its probably a whole lot more than that.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:12:22 PM): i can look it up in my AP psych book if u want.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:12:40 PM): but also its gonna get into philosophy again. because this
chibiseishiraon7 (7:12:53 PM): (psychology) is a scientifc view.
electronicaxoxox (7:13:36 PM): mhmmm... well I was just wondering how you thought.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:13:53 PM): oh like me?
electronicaxoxox (7:13:59 PM): yep yep! ^^
chibiseishiraon7 (7:14:02 PM): or like in general?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:14:04 PM): oh ok.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:14:34 PM): nessa. i dont really know. ^^;; like my thoughts are so complicated and stuff that i feel like think a a variety of different ways.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:15:13 PM): damned connection.
electronicaxoxox (7:15:14 PM): damn. xD I was hoping how you thought would give me some insight of how I thought
chibiseishiraon7 (7:15:29 PM): oh because we are twin souls ne?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:15:47 PM): lol.
electronicaxoxox (7:16:43 PM): mhmm
electronicaxoxox (7:16:45 PM): ^.^
chibiseishiraon7 (7:17:10 PM): aww im hella flattered that u think im convuluted mind could help lol.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:17:36 PM): i will try this weekend to search and think,
chibiseishiraon7 (7:18:12 PM): next week im starting a journal i wanna get back into poetry, try writing short stories and just my thoughts maybe lol...im not sure.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:18:16 PM): this plan will probably die.
electronicaxoxox (7:18:20 PM): xDDDD awwn
chibiseishiraon7 (7:18:26 PM): lol.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:18:48 PM): ok brb. kio s'kete (take care)
electronicaxoxox (7:19:53 PM): m'kay
chibiseishiraon7 (7:32:45 PM): ok
chibiseishiraon7 (7:32:47 PM): im back
electronicaxoxox (7:33:03 PM): woohooo party time1
electronicaxoxox (7:33:06 PM): dammit... *!
chibiseishiraon7 (7:33:18 PM): lol..ok nessa
electronicaxoxox (7:34:50 PM): I've decided.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:35:17 PM): ooooo
electronicaxoxox (7:35:32 PM): I think anyone who allows experiences to define them is a weak, enslaved, and idiotic person.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:35:52 PM): oh man. wat brought on this decision?
electronicaxoxox (7:35:58 PM): Too many people saying:
electronicaxoxox (7:36:07 PM): Well I act this way because of my experiences...
electronicaxoxox (7:36:17 PM): Or: he has issues because this happened to him.
electronicaxoxox (7:36:33 PM): I'm not saying learning by trial and error is wrong.
electronicaxoxox (7:36:52 PM): I'm not saying either that because of a bad experience you shouldn't avoid it.
electronicaxoxox (7:37:02 PM): But allowing it to shift your personality. That's fucking moronic.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:37:54 PM): how about looking @ your experience critically and seeing how it has allowed you to consider changing yourself?
electronicaxoxox (7:39:31 PM): I don't think it's possible.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:39:43 PM): could you elaborate?
electronicaxoxox (7:40:12 PM): Like... It's possible to change your actions to improve or to mold yourself right?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:40:26 PM): correct.
electronicaxoxox (7:40:37 PM): But that doesn't mean you're going to change as a person.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:41:15 PM): but then who are u improving or molding then? aren't those changes? or am i not getting it..^^;;
chibiseishiraon7 (7:42:19 PM): connection broke. continue.
electronicaxoxox (7:42:28 PM): dear lord. xD
chibiseishiraon7 (7:42:50 PM): yeah..^^;;;;
electronicaxoxox (7:42:54 PM): I guess I'm not making much sense.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:44:03 PM): no. its just.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:44:11 PM): im always confused.
electronicaxoxox (7:44:35 PM): rephrase: I don't think people should allow their experiences to define them, rather they should learn from and consider them?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:45:17 PM): right and by considering them what will happen? wat is the viewable product of such learning?
electronicaxoxox (7:45:53 PM): Like just because I get denied by a group of people doesn't mean I should become an antisocial person if it isn't my nature.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:46:37 PM): oh nessa i agree with you on that. but im trying to discover if what u are saying is what i am thinking. or trying to think.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:47:13 PM): ok so if people learn from their experiences what happens with that knowledge?
electronicaxoxox (7:47:41 PM): they save it for next time they're faced with a similar situation?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:47:57 PM): well then hasn't soemthing changed?
electronicaxoxox (7:49:03 PM): Yes and no. They've changed. But not on the level I'm referring to. I'm referring to like soul and personality.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:49:15 PM): oh yeah nessa.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:49:19 PM): i completely agree.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:49:36 PM): i thought u meant like minor change couldn't happen
chibiseishiraon7 (7:49:51 PM): and i was like yeah it definitely can.
electronicaxoxox (7:50:03 PM): xD well yeah I agree with you there too.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:50:51 PM): so would be saying that people who "change" like completely transform themselves, aren't really changing at all, but maybe uncovering they actually were as a person?
electronicaxoxox (7:53:19 PM): I don't know... it's difficult to tell which one is the real one. Only the could know because they're the ones who were conscience of it. But I can usually tell when someone is acting out of character.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:53:59 PM): emotional intelligence.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:54:08 PM): go nessa!
chibiseishiraon7 (7:54:49 PM): i think it is safe to assume that you have an above average level of emoitonal intelligence (yes this is considered a form of intelligence in psychology).
chibiseishiraon7 (7:55:28 PM): ok this kind of an awkward question...but do u see such a problem with me?
electronicaxoxox (7:56:18 PM): xDDDD thanks? lol teehee
chibiseishiraon7 (7:56:28 PM): yup.
electronicaxoxox (7:56:28 PM): The changing personality thing? or out of character thing?
chibiseishiraon7 (7:56:34 PM): both.
electronicaxoxox (7:57:50 PM): Mmm I sense a bit of both from you....
chibiseishiraon7 (7:58:23 PM): oh..well..how?
electronicaxoxox (7:58:36 PM): Like you seem to be an extremely honest person... but sometimes in some moments you seem to be very uncomfortable with yourself.
electronicaxoxox (7:58:56 PM): Like unsure with what you did or felt or thought...
chibiseishiraon7 (7:59:09 PM): yeah.
chibiseishiraon7 (7:59:31 PM): im not really too surprised u know that. i was kinda hoping that u'd know without me having to say it.
electronicaxoxox (7:59:48 PM): So I passed the test? xDDDD j/k
chibiseishiraon7 (8:00:04 PM): no. lol it wasn't a test.
electronicaxoxox (8:00:40 PM): teehee... anyway yeah. I wish I could like hold an emotional intelligence mirror to myself.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:00:55 PM): nessa.
electronicaxoxox (8:00:57 PM): Well soul twin what do you think of me in this sense? Mehbeh you can see it?
chibiseishiraon7 (8:01:15 PM): nessa i dont trust myself to analyze you.
electronicaxoxox (8:01:42 PM): Am I just that out there? lol
chibiseishiraon7 (8:01:49 PM): no.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:02:06 PM): what if i said i dont feel well...worthy or intelligent enough...V_V.
electronicaxoxox (8:02:46 PM): I'd say you're being ridiculous cause... who the hell can tell you how 'worthy' you are. and both you and me know how intelligent you are so bringing that up is silly of you!
chibiseishiraon7 (8:03:11 PM): yeah but still nessa. lol.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:03:24 PM): ok. well im gonna try and give it some thought.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:03:53 PM): i know this sounds kind of general, but i've always kinda thought that...
chibiseishiraon7 (8:03:58 PM): iono how to explain it.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:04:07 PM): ok sometimes im really worried about you.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:04:14 PM): like really.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:04:34 PM): for some reason, i feel like your really hurting somewhere, even though im probably wrong.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:06:19 PM): it makes me feel really guilty tho, like sometimes i think i can sense a slight defensiveness or something, or like iono. maybe or "bruise" somewhere y'know? with you i dont think its more of uncomfortability than it is, like a default protectivness. im not making sense.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:06:33 PM): but hmm...
electronicaxoxox (8:06:45 PM): I knew you could do it. ^.^
chibiseishiraon7 (8:07:00 PM): nessa. no me digas.
electronicaxoxox (8:07:10 PM): no... that was /exactly/ correct.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:07:25 PM): seriously oh nessa. im so happy i could cry.
electronicaxoxox (8:07:43 PM): Lol honestly, it gave me a little chill... actually no. A big one.
electronicaxoxox (8:08:00 PM): That's why you really make me happy. Cause no one has gotten it... or maybe they have and they just refuse to.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:08:17 PM): nessa. you make me happy too.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:09:54 PM): honestly, i don't know about you. but i noticed it once during first semester of soph year, and then like 2 months before i told my little secret, like i saw it, and i kinda thought i was there, i see as so mature and powerful nessa, i mean i care about u so much that i no matter how much u like invited me and included me, i was felt guilty.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:10:24 PM): because, like in my like iono. heart, i felt u were suffering. and iono what i sense makes me kinda emotional. and
chibiseishiraon7 (8:10:48 PM): i guess sometimes i didn't want to think about it, because i wasn't sure how my mind would react to wat i thought i was picking up.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:11:39 PM): i never know if i'll be able to do anything. but i hope u can always have me for anything else.
electronicaxoxox (8:12:34 PM): I'm sorry, for making you feel this way...
chibiseishiraon7 (8:12:43 PM): NESSA>
chibiseishiraon7 (8:12:49 PM): DO NOT say that.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:12:53 PM): please, dont.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:13:27 PM): you already know i would worry about u no matter wat
chibiseishiraon7 (8:13:36 PM): whether u had something going on or not.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:14:21 PM): if anything, the amount of worry asserts how all the more important you are.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:14:42 PM): though, you'd still be important even if i didn't worry.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:14:59 PM): besides nessa, i dont mind worrying about.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:15:03 PM): you.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:16:32 PM): yeah...so DAIJOUBU. no worries.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:16:37 PM): i guess. ^^;
electronicaxoxox (8:16:42 PM): heh heh. 'cept not! xD
chibiseishiraon7 (8:16:50 PM): i know huh.
electronicaxoxox (8:17:10 PM): Yeah I don't know what it is. If I did... I'm sure I wouldn't mind telling you in a heartbeat.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:18:31 PM): oh nessa, i would never ask u to do such a thing.
electronicaxoxox (8:19:42 PM): lol well I don't know what it is... at all. But it's a hurt I've been feeling for the longest time. It flares up on certain occassions and I almost feel like dying on those days. I use philosophy to bandage it again.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:21:33 PM): does it seem like u feel lifeless?
electronicaxoxox (8:22:28 PM): -'thinking'-
chibiseishiraon7 (8:22:34 PM): ok.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:23:34 PM): i mean its like not necessarily lifeless but likee drained? like something more than you mind feels heavy and tiring?
electronicaxoxox (8:24:54 PM): I must have amnesia or something. I honestly don't remember.... or.... like. I don't know what I feel.
electronicaxoxox (8:25:03 PM): I guess you could say just: completely at a loss?
electronicaxoxox (8:25:47 PM): I just lose all function, all recognition, all controll, all of my thoughts/feelings, etc.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:25:55 PM): yeah.
electronicaxoxox (8:26:27 PM): I'm no longer rational, and I have no sense of reason. All I feel is like doom? Is that what you mean...? Doom?
chibiseishiraon7 (8:27:05 PM): i dont know if doom is the right word, its night like death doom...isn't it different?
chibiseishiraon7 (8:27:59 PM): not*
electronicaxoxox (8:28:10 PM): I don't know... I had wrote a lot in 7th grade when I got in that phase but I threw the notebook away.
electronicaxoxox (8:28:19 PM): I didn't want to fucking look at it anymore.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:28:31 PM): i did the same thing in seventh grade.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:28:35 PM): but.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:29:52 PM): i made the mistake of sharing it with my friend, who made the mistake of taking it home, who's mother found and made the mistake of calling my parents, who made the decision to refer me to a psychiatrist and get me sometreatment, who made the mistake of not urging my dad, who made the mistake of cancelling my sessions, by incorrectly assumming it was just a phase.
electronicaxoxox (8:30:35 PM): mmhmmm I remember you telling me all about this.
electronicaxoxox (8:30:53 PM): I always had that fear. I guess that's why you sense got that sense of defensiveness.
electronicaxoxox (8:31:36 PM): *you got that sense of defensiveness
chibiseishiraon7 (8:31:36 PM): maybe. i dont know. i guess i can identify with it. i mean i trusted her y'know? but some how i felt it was my fault
chibiseishiraon7 (8:32:03 PM): my stupidity, but i also think in my case it was inevitable, almost like it was destined.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:33:36 PM): but im crazy like that. my parents dont say it aloud anymore.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:33:52 PM): but i strongly feel they watch me like im a ticking, tempermental bomb.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:34:01 PM): in their minds.
electronicaxoxox (8:34:03 PM): hmmm that's interesting.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:34:40 PM): its like a fear for them? they really ssometimes think, like deep down its their fault, cuz like no matter like how good i do,
chibiseishiraon7 (8:35:05 PM): im kinda the broken child, the one whose like mind malfunctioned, cuz i wanted to take my own life.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:35:46 PM): but yeah nessa.
electronicaxoxox (8:36:17 PM): My mom knows I think too much for my own good but other than that... nothing.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:36:32 PM): oh man. i didn't think she knew.
electronicaxoxox (8:37:04 PM): heh heh... I like wanna tell you something but I'm too scared... xP
chibiseishiraon7 (8:37:21 PM): ok. whenever u want nessa.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:37:26 PM): u dont have to.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:38:18 PM): if it really doesn't feel right then don't. i never want to put you in the position, my friend put me in. 4 years ago.
electronicaxoxox (8:39:27 PM): Exactly. Like I feel it's time but at the time, I don't really see why I should.
electronicaxoxox (8:39:50 PM): I suppose it's cause it partially completes the 'mystery' (if that's what you wanna call it)....
chibiseishiraon7 (8:39:56 PM): yeah. i mean. its not my busines.
electronicaxoxox (8:40:43 PM): but I wouldn't want to put anyone in such a horrible position.... and I know they'd say something.
electronicaxoxox (8:40:55 PM): no matter how much they'd promise me they wouldn't tell.... meh
chibiseishiraon7 (8:41:59 PM): nessa...
chibiseishiraon7 (8:42:10 PM): im not going to promise that i wouldn't say anything.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:42:31 PM): but i know that i am incapable of doing something like that
chibiseishiraon7 (8:43:31 PM): someone did it to me, and its like i feel i messed up the family a little.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:44:44 PM): nessa u dont need to tell me.
electronicaxoxox (8:44:50 PM): I'll probably tell you eventually....
electronicaxoxox (8:45:00 PM): hopefully... I don't know.
electronicaxoxox (8:45:07 PM): Now I feel awful for leaving you in 'suspense'
chibiseishiraon7 (8:45:15 PM): no its not your fault.
chibiseishiraon7 (8:46:02 PM): i just wanna be there for you y'know? i will do anything i can with in reason to help, which in cludes not prying into business,
chibiseishiraon7 (8:46:18 PM): u dont leave me in suspense, i just worry i wont help enough
chibiseishiraon7 (8:46:57 PM): but maybe this is something i can't really do anything about, just be comfortable with iit, whether yes or no, as long as its you true decision i will not care @ all.
electronicaxoxox (8:48:26 PM): Thank you so much, Kevin. We'll see what happens. As long as you know there's something, I think that's enough for now. Besides, I warned you when I met you about all these philosophical train wrecks. I love you, but I've got to sleep now. I hate it, but after delving this deep, it's the only thing that will help me categorize all my thoughts.
electronicaxoxox (8:48:40 PM): Good night! I love love love love love you!!!
chibiseishiraon7 (8:48:44 PM): ok Love, night!
chibiseishiraon7 (8:48:51 PM): que dios te bendiga
electronicaxoxox (8:49:12 PM): heh heh! Talk to you later! Thank you so much! And remember I'm always here for you too! bai bai!
chibiseishiraon7 (8:49:21 PM): bai!
chibiseishiraon7 (8:49:25 PM): =)

...

2008-08-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

I love death and skulls. They're beautiful...

But I hate what she does to people, the people who remain to fester in the memories of the lost one.

Have so many people been burried at once that the earth is overturned and seeping blood?

Meet me at the cinema

2008-08-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

I've got and I've been...
I've got dirt under my nails.
I've been digging up worms in the backyard.
I've been watching them die in the mantis's jaws.
I've got the smell of cheese on my hands.
I've been teaching my dogs Finnish.
I've been using treats and screams.
I've got a cut on my thumb.
I've been playing guitar.
I've been listening to it sing.
I've got a hurt in my heart.
I've been crying and dying.
I've been ignoring it.
I've got a silent suffering voice.
I've been questioning it.
I've been trying to shut it up.
I've got a painful thought.
I've been trying to sleep.
I've been trying to forget.
I've got a fish bowl to clean.
I've been putting it off.
I've been watching the ecosystem rot.

Shitfucks

2008-08-08T17:51:00.000-07:00

Mhmmm... I knew it. I have a very keen sense. A very sharpened premonition. It's never wrong, instinct never lies. It's the most honest and the most miraculous thing on this earth. I listen to it and it rewards me in the most sensual ways.
I'm never wrong.
It's all gone for shit. But I won't cry, because I'm stronger than this. I'm stronger than fate and I will make it bow to my command, only because I'm stubborn and I'd rather die on my feet than live a lifetime on my knees.
I'll rise with a vengeance and reap what I sow.
I'm not in it for the money, I'm in it to crush people. I don't want to win, I just want to watch others hurt.
I want to watch the world burn... finally I know what it is to hate. And I hate this fate.
I'm sacrificing all I could ever want just to please. Acting along to pay homage to the dead.
Each night I tempt the Devil and his demons and curse God and all his holy angels just to see wrath in action. All I get is a painful silence, a hollow darkness.
I don't want to be saved, and I don't want to save my family from these deaths and painful time.
All salvation is, is ignorance....
I'll sit quietly and wait for this storm to pass.
In three days or less, I'll carry the face and memory of a dead woman.
Imagine how fun it will be to terrify them at night and bring them memories of her writhed form. I hope I die the same painful way so they'll remember all over again. I want to feel the flames that ate her, I want to be bruised and skeletal... wasted and perish in hell.
Only months ago we had to say goodbye, and now again, again in the future and a confusing hello.

What a lovely day.

Love perception

2008-07-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm undecided about love... about what it means.... about what it is... what it requires... whether or not it's even required.

When I was little, love never even crossed my mind... I never knew it would eventually be expected of me to find a stranger to share my life with.

I think soulmates are impossible. Eventually you'll get tired of everyone. Or maybe that's just me cause I'm an antisocial freak.

But anyway, even if you don't get tired of people it's still impossible... no one person can have all of the qualities you could desire. Something has to go wrong it has.

Is it necessary for a human to have another pair with them to go through life with? Can no one make it on their own? I feel I'm strong enough to do so... but I don't think it's about strength... I think it's about lonliness....

I don't know. I don't experience uniform lonliness... I feel lonely when no one understands me not when I'm alone.

I like to hear my thoughts... I like to do whatever the fuck I want....

I don't know if I want to find someone to love. I don't believe that it has to come up and hit you in the face because some people seem to fall in love over and over and over again.

I 'fate' fucking with them?

I think it's the acceptance, inclination, and horniness.

ha ha! How fun!

Sorry...

2008-07-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

I saw Wanted yesterday. Basically the movie is the lovechild of Fight Club and Jumper They played this song. I had completely forgotten about it. I was addicted to it about a couple of years ago and eventually it just faded again. But it stirred something in me again.

It's funny how nowadays I can't really remember anything. I think anyone who knows me well and isn't retarded has noticed already.

I've noticed I can only rememeber things about 3 years back... once I gain a year, the 3rd year gets knocked out of my memory.

I don't care for memory since it doesn't care for me. It can disappear if it wants, I know I'd be the happiest amnesiac in the world. Only when you've forgotten everything does everything become exciting again!

I need a system reboot.

Everyday isn't exactly the same because everything can only happen once. The moment can never be fully replicated.

That's probably why time travel gets botched up so much

Some one is a step ahead of us.

Dreams have failed

2008-04-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Oh you silly little thing. How could you cry so long and so uselessly and loud for someone you've never met before.

You're dumb... you're stupid he said. As soon as his insults came flying at me my tears dried up and hardened.

I don't know what you were hoping to accomplish by yelling at me, don't know why you bothered calling me foolish... but you did over and over and over again until your words turned meaningless.

Maybe you were trying to make me stronger, break me down to force me to rebuild and rid myself of my naivety.

Sticks and stones, love. Sticks, and motherfucking stones.

The only things that break me down are my fears, I've only got a handful but you as sure as hell don't know them.

I'll mourn and cry and throw dirt in the air, rub it in my face wallow in my blood, freeze over and crack a million times over if I damned well feel like it. I'll do it all and commit suicide on top of it all for the death of a stranger I've loved so much. You can't tell me who and who i cannot shed my tears for.

2008-04-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

Almost midnight again...

My brain should rest. I should burn some incense and try to get to bed.

But even if I'm not thinking about anything in particular, something isn't letting me rest.... What does it expect from me?

I'm nothing significant, not yet anyway. Not until my wings unfold from this ugly shell... Just wait a bit.

You'll see, all of these sunspots will not be for naught. They'll be beautiful and framed in rings of lilac and marigold. Everyone will be in awe and envy my work... see all of those beautiful swirlings of mixing shadow and reflection. So delicate and neat my craftsmanship will be. They won't even care that I'm mute and dying. Disease ridden flesh of my mother's grave. How tender and soft it will be.

The white raven looks at you in distress because he sees the white crow. Too too similar... both so white and splattered in paint so they can't fly because their feathers are matted to their flesh with rainbows.

What's wrong?

2008-04-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

I know I'm strong. My fire has burned itself out yet. I feel it warming me... and yet why am I brought down by the stupidest things?

I know I'm human and I have to be brought down sometimes...

but this is too fast... I wasn't dragged down I was fucking shot down with an arsenal of arrows and bullets.

It hurts so much.... this pain in the back of my mind....

It burns but not the even soft burn of my soul , of my heart.... it burns like a forest fire ripping destroying hating.

I want to curl up and die alone. Never see the sun.... kiss the moonlight goodbye.

Endless sonata.

Enshadowedment

2008-04-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

The closer you get to the sun, to the eternal light... the more painful you begin to crash and burn. You can't blame the light however, you've only got yourself to blame. We've inflicted this pain when the light was there... guiding you and me on our paths. And yet we dare to turn our backs, injuring ourselves while the light continued to char us to the bone.

Trapped in an eternal struggle where we sometimes manage to engulf the light so it can leave us be from time to time. However, the light is persistant and continues to rise every morning at dawn where it returns with a new hope to engulf the world and our tired bodies are quickly consumed by it.

We have nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. I'm beginning to think it's more terrifying to leave it be, rather than the fear of facing it. I have to stop this, because I know you aren't. Now the light is disturbing my sleep. It slips into my veins ravaging my muscles and blood... deteriorating, destroying.

We are so close.... I've finally discovered you. Clearly I was never meant to. You never knew I could be so persistent. I was also surprised by your determination, because you helped me fight the light for this entire year so far. Your body isn't what it once was, you're becomming a husk... but isn't that what we all are? I don't want you to die and leave me, even though I know you'd return brighter in all your darkness as always. Maybe it would be better for me too... to leave you where you are now. If I delve any deeper, I fear something really bad may happen. I may wake with a huge repetence, a wounding debilitating gash that I won't be able to cover up.

Why is it so hot? This burning... this burning regret. You opened doors for me, but now I feel I've got to lock myself away. You guided me, now I've purposefully shredded the map you gave me and wandered off, somewhere far, somewhere you shouldn't be able to find me.

Despite our love... despair is much fonder, and I enjoy wallowing in it while the blood dries and I'm ready to begin anew. You can't do it, one more day of standing and fighting this light, you'll be gone.

You did this to yourself... you stupid beautiful shadow. You know the root of the word enlightenment don't you?

...

yes.... you did know... but you did it anyway....

you just never realized I never wanted it, even though I was constantly begging for it.

No. I did want it. I still want it. What I never realized was how painful it was.

No. I knew that too. I had a few discoveries... epiphanies.... revelations... of my own you know.

So.... why?

No. Thats' the ultimate question isn't it. It's our ultimatum.

Yes. I will find it, and I will rid us of this light forever.

Trust me. Lay yourself down and hide from it, I will come back for you.

Great...

2008-04-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

If only four minutes could actually save me now. Dear lord, for my entire life I've suffered from chronic head/ear pain like ear infections. I don't remember how long it began, but it happens about, twenty times a year. Slightly ridiculous, right? I know. I don't know how it happened, maybe something part of my head is deformed on the inside. ha ha, freakin great. It got to a point where my doctor wanted to chop my skull in half and fix it, fuck that. I never went back to her again. Anyway, so my eardrum can essentially eventually burst from all of this or it can also destroy the bones in my ear which probably isn't even better. Along with that I suffer from severe nailbiting, oral fixation as in lip/cheek biting, chronic cavities from the acid. So basically here is my theory: I'm just falling apart bit by bit.

But seriously, is my head finally just physically exploding? Like it just can't handle all the shit that's been bottled up? Cause if that's so I don't mind erasing some of the memory in there. I wonder if it'll ever stop. Maybe I should have just let that doctor chop my head in half like she wanted to, leave me bald for a while. Make the freakin throbbing bleeding pain go away. This bites ass.

Uhmm... wow it's great to have your hallucinations realized

2008-03-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

You know, it's odd thinkning no one could ever understand what you were seeing and believing and feeling and thinking. I've been stuck in this horrible place for a long time.
Oh wow that's great... I just figured out what's been holding me back.
Thank you subconcious brain!
Right, so I don't know if you could call it a depression... but just for the sake of it, let's call it that. Essentially.... I've been feeling really pathetic and depressed lately. For the longest time I have been able to figure out why. But it's been painful and not being able to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me, was possibly even worse than all of it put together.
I don't know if I experienced so much pain in my life... well probably back when the inital depression settled in.
ANYWAY now that that's out of the way... right now, typing I just figured out what the fuck is wrong with me, well one of the many aspects that is wrong but this is the one that's been eating up all my time...
So, get this... I think I'm crazy. I don't really mind it. But it's really the most frustrating thing in the world to see something and have no one else see it as well. It's scary because you can't figure out where the hell these visions are coming from. It's also really really really annoying to point something out and only be embarassed about it because it wasn't actually there and then people look at you funny. It's also very truly really pathetic to be caught staring at something because there just so happens to be a shadow hole in the wall or a warp inbetween a couple of tree branches or a bodach (shadow creature) crossing the street, then your trip is interrupted by someone waving a hand in your face and yelling "Woohoo! Earth to Vanessa!" Can't I fucking hallucinate in peace? wow....
So this has been my problem, not being able to get any sort of recognition that I'm not alone because that's what I've been feeling lately. No one can ever share my experiences in any of this, no one can understand. You talk to loved ones to share your feelings... but the only feelings I've been experienced are associated with a nameless shadow creature. Yeah, I still have imaginary friends and fuck you if you want to make something of it.
Essentially because I see and hear and feel and however many senses we have you can throw those in there too and no one else does and will probably never be able to. I feel completely, hopelessly alone and that gives me the frustrated 'stuck' sensation.
Whatever. I don't care. What I do care is that I'm glad I figured it out. And what I also care about is that the lovely artist at deviantart known as ZombieLovelie ( http://zombielovelie.deviantart.com/ her gallery) represented some of the hallucinations/dreams/visions I get of Nameless and other shadow things in the picture posted above. And my love continues to deepen because in the submission of this piece she included a video which is darn close to what I've been talking about as a 'junkie reaction'... remember? Shadow in the veins? Itching squirming sensation? Well if you don't read some posts below or just whatever... heh heh. So the vid's down thar below. Unfortunately whatever I experience isn't nearly as lovely, no beautiful butterfly patterns for me. And it's not that big and extravagant, typically just along a vein in the arm, occasionally neck, hands and very rarely legs.

Long philosophical rant that is better suited for here than where it was written

2008-03-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

Despite your love for music, I think that's the greatest injury... the fact that it was an extremely special gift. I don't think it's wrong to even use the word sacred if you frame it around the situation correctly.
Unfortunately there isn't anything to mediate the situation except to either endure or change places. Changing places doesn't necessarily indicate changing schools... it just means change, and only you can figure out what needs to be changed.
Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately there is no reality. How can there be a reality? You had a point there when you said what /you/ see, think, feel, believe is your 'reality' and no one elses... no one sees, thinks, feels, or believes in anything equal to the next guy... so reality is just bullshit.
In that case, everything has a bit of a more optimistic feel don't you think? You have your space, paint and color the blank walls with whatever you see fit. Make it cozy, make it small and confined so it's a good place to hide. Or you can blow it up and have everyone invade it and enjoy their company.
You know, this started out as message to comfort you and it's blossomed into so much more. ^^ Interesting how that goes. It's probably not helping much, and you probably don't want food for thought, so it'd probably be best to delete this. But I don't know, something deep inside me is whispering not to.
Anyway, I wonder if we're givin the building materials. Maybe life provides us with a blueprint that's similar to everyone elses... most of us choose to follow it because it's the easy way out. Others might choose to alter it... maybe others are just too lazy to even bother and fade away. Then there are those who are lazy but also vicious and steal the artists' blue prints for their own. Oooh how evil and wonderful it all is. How mysterious human nature is.
You know I've never been able to decide, I've always been on the fence about this... about God, about a creator... but all this talk of blueprints has got me thinking about the masterplan.
There is no other nature or conscience in this world as evil as human nature... nothing so nurturing and disastorous. Or have we been looking in the wrong places? Fucking hell, I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm stuck, and I've been stuck for a long time. Yet I don't feel like it's a waste... all of these hours of staring at walls, reflections, shadows, clouds. Silently thinking and thinking and thinking while the world is going around me around and around and around. All the while I'm trying to solve its problems in my mind and never reaching a conclusion and never paying attention. That's the real problem isn't it? I'm so caught up in the answer I don't read into the question, so it can never be answered.
Still I don't think it's a waste. How could it be a waste? It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing matters anyway. And that's the only thing that matters isn't it? Ha ha... how coy and skeptical I am. lol just kidding. But anyway, never think what you're doing is a waste. I don't believe in purposes and yet something tells me I shouldn't be listening to the don't in front of believe. Because there have been too many coincidences in my life to continue being coincidences. It's terrifying, painful, and wonderful. If our life is indeed mappedout, that's terribly sad and uneventful... but maybe life is neither completely unpredictable or based on fate. Maybe it's interchangable. I think that'd be best.
Or maybe I'm completely wrong about everything, I probably am. I wonder how I got to the end of this sentence. It's funny how I enter these states of unconsiousness... ah well... I was thinking of putting a: DON'T READ THIS! IT'S BORING AND LONG AND USELESS AND WILL PROBABLY MAKE YOU MORE MISERABLE!
but that usually makes people more curious... maybe you'll read it first since it's the largest thing on here and you'll pay heed to it. Well I love you, I really do.... Because who else could inspire me this way? -sigh- Right-o...
(it's slightly ridiculous that I exceeded the character limit... ah well fuck it all to hell)

g'night lovie. I hope your days improve. And if not you have your New York wayfinder to help you in ways I never can or could, because I can't understand you. How could I if I can't understand myself. In anycase, you have a place with them a sort of little home of healing and rest and fun. You're lucky, and it makes me slightly envious I suppose. I hope you have a great time. You deserve it, dearest. If you need me, which you probably won't. I'll always be stuck here staring at walls and floors and speaking with flowers and paper.

Goodbye

2008-03-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well that was interesting. Going back to those ancient lands where the sand still whirls in terracotta and ambers. The world can no longer support life, and this place is no different, but it's always been that way. The surface is cracked and the light reflects off of the baked earth and blinds all of the beholders, so in case their was something of beauty out there, it denies you the pleasure of gandering.
What is more painful is knowing that there was once happiness in this lifeless land. Despite the burning sun, people once lived and I suppose you could say thrived there. They struggled but atleast they were together. Both the people and the land knew they couldn't remain.
I sat out there in the dirt, on the sand, on the bloodstained earth for a long time like I always do when I return. During the day, it would be unbearable but as the sun begins to set I hear the earth begin to speak, it starts out in a whisper, but even as a whisper I see the shadows and shapes and ghosts of those who crossed this path before me. I see them creating shelters, chasing their food as it lept across the desert flats, collecting fruits and planting trees to shade them.
Things haven't become complicated they never do. Life can't change, it doesn't change. It may become different, and look different. However, they remain the same.
Before technology and all of this information nonsense people didn't have time to question because of all the work required to survive. Now it seems we do have more time, in reality we're often too busy trying to survive the workweek.
It's ridiculous and wonderful. And it feels great to escape and worry about neither.
Everything is disappearing, everything is sickly and ridden with disease. Everything is ugly. But I suppose it always has been, I just never bothered to look close enough and listen.
It isn't even painful. It doesn't feel like anything. I said goodbye this time, even though I knew about five years back that I should have said goodbye then. I have this ominous feeling that this truly is the end.

I want to see

2008-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

Standing on the border is always the most difficult position to hold. Because you have to say the truth, you have to explain yourself. No one asks why you're holding the gold or the silver they only begin to get curious why you hold copper. You can't tell them the truth because they won't believe you, you have to make up a lie so that they leave you alone.

They don't want you to tell the truth, no one ever does. They want the manufactured facetious typical openmouthed sore kissed abstraction.

And as I write, the fucking junkie reaction is growing. It started at my wrist again, it almost always does, it's rare that it happens on my leg or even less on my neck. The itching, the burning, the swelling. Maybe I should take pictures and look at them a week later to see if I was hallucinating. It happened suddenly, at first I thought it was an allergic reaction... it began like a bugbite and then the point turned out to grow and stretch as if a worm beneath my skin was writhing up my arm and around and around leaving it's mark on me. Then, moments later after I nearly drew blood from scratching it disappeared.

God I hate begin insane... or thinking I'm insane. No I don't. I don't know. I'm on the fence and I'm looking over at each side and neither seem like home. I won't scratch I'll let the shadow fester there until it gets bored.

I remember once when I was small I went fishing with my dad. I always enjoyed these fishing trips. The rocks were high and deadly and one wrong step and either you'd fall into the devastating and beautiful ocean, or you'd break your fragile body on the rocky face of the high jagged stones. The danger and the sheer rush of the ocean crashing against the rocks and occasionally rushing over you was thrilling. The whistling wind engulfing me and the desperation of just trying to survive the day.

However on a particular day I was trying to scale one of the rocks in order to get to our fishing outpost as I turned to look down and make sure I had the right footing I caught a glimpse of an ominous black. I remember I was frightened at first and I turned to look directly at it. For a second, a very split second it was the figure of a man a man of all black and his being was misty as if unsure whether or not he wanted to exist in the world. He paid no mind to be but his deep black eyes burned with solitude. Despite his blackness, he had reflection and the light he emitted was looming and forever present. It pierced into me and the waves engulfed him at the same time they engulfed me and didn't let me go. His eyes bled the darkness.

Then my dad grabbed my arm by the elbow and yanked me up to the top on the rock on which he stood. I had slipped a bit when I had been transfixed and it seemed as if it had gone on for eternity, but it was only a moment. A hanging moment in which the space was warped.

I've seen that man a few times again in my life, but never with the same lingering doom and end.

2008-03-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

So death and darkness are beautiful because they are the most simple and least complex things in this universe. Death is the certain end for everything and you know the sun will always set even if the sun remains high in the sky.

What is not certain is the reaction that comes of these things. I've seen the very best and the very worst in this world and each time it creates a whirling cycle of confusion. Because as I have mentioned many times tragedy is the greatest fame, the more horrible things you've suffered the more famed and loved and renowned and honored you will be. You can be a dashing hero and emerge without a scratch and you will be interviewed but even more they want to know how the victim the man who emerged with only one limb and a scarred memory and hatred feels and how he managed to survive.

It isn't that suffering shouldn't be honored, it is the fixation people have on it. Even more, if the victim does die then we turn to the suffering family to find out how they feel. I wonder how they feel after one of their branches have died. Could it be sadness? No, most definately not, we must find out because they cannot be feeling remorse!!!!

Rest in peace Guzman, I am sure you fought bravely in the war. I never met you but I pity you, not anymore than the other soldiers who have died in this war, but I pity you because of the ignorant people who surrounded your remains and wished for nothing more but to spill their woes and appear on the camera. Continue without fear. The world will continue they way it is.

2008-03-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

Lovely movie, lovely song... but anyway I suppose I should provide a clip that isn't so crack addicted yes?

Here we go!

I know it seems like I'm insane and I'm a user and whatnot, and I'm actually beginning to get the feeling someone is stuffing me full of drugs because it's kinda insane that I should be getting all of these reactions without my knowledge of taking anything.

Anyway what I mean is that I have druggie vision and druggie sensation. Weird worms writithing inbetween my veins and clogging up the blood, making terrible bruises and penetrated skin. I'm dancing on a volcano and I'm trying not to mix things up and fall into it where my broken skin will just char and fall of me.

Maybe I should throw myself in as a form of rebirth. No amount of shadow can engulf me to hold me back anymore. I found the question and I found the answer. It did have to do with God as I had suspected and had to do with a.... hallucination? dream? mind trip? journey? I don't know what I would call it but it involved a man, a very sad man who had nothing at all to live for and yet he was trying to show me the way. Anyway the question was, can God be found in the shadows? God is the leading light, the holy spirit the burning flame on the bush. How could God be found in the darkness and the very damp the damned and the lost hated? Well I've discovered God isn't in the shadows. God free zone. So now I think I'm wrong and God is punishing me by forcing shadow into my veins and skin cause it is still crawling and itching and burning and I feel it move.

Freakin A. Blood and darkness don't mix no matter how hard I try, just like oil and water....

Fucking High

2008-03-13T21:24:00.001-07:00

Wow. Cake. So delicious. See? I'm not so uptight! I'm not even angry, I'm being so sincere right now. ^^

Anyway, I'm high right now because I figure it's the best way to be happy. And it's also the best way to diffuse hatred because these points of data make a beautiful line that point straight to idiocy leads to just completely wanting to give up on someone. I've given up on them so hopefully it'll discourage them and they'll have to find someone else to help them.

Anyway this cake is great, it's so delicious and moist.

I love you world. Even though you're swallowing me whole. Hold me nameless!

Drug Noble

2008-03-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

You know, you dream up all these scenarious of punk kids just doing what they wanna do. Because that is the punk way, do what you want whenever you want and don't give a shit about anything else but respect other peoples' methods of living.

It almost begins to sound noble. It probably is, because it sounds way better and way more inspiring than any other idealogy I've ever been introduced to.

This new wave punk addiction is just so enticing I can't help but to wanna be them, to join them to play along. I wanna be a music junkie to their level, I wanna go rebel and get all of the tattoos, take all the drugs to have a fun time.

However, I was aware of the problems this can all cause but never really cared about them cause it's fucking just living. No thinking just moving forward and not caring. I'd give anything in the world to be that braindead. Drugs could dod that for me.

Since I know I'm not fully willing to give myself up and have that dedication it seems I've resolved to simply create little scenarious of characters in my mind, all these people have names and each one is a unique extention of a special desire. However, I've never truly decided to tap into the pain that comes from this way of living.

I've never experienced anything that wasn't fun when it came to the lifestyle. Sure their was the typical few death overdoses but I'm not afraid of death so it wasn't a big deal. Then of course their was the struggling for food and shelter but that wasn't what scared me either.

It wasn't until I met my uncle, a grade A homeless junkie that I realized how sad and how painful it all really was. To see him so happy and see his eyes so dead. So frail and so gone. So amusing and tricky, all the skills he has acquired to get the drugs get high and hide.

He is the most disgusting person I've met.

Because of this, I couldn't love him more. I wanted to hold him forever, have him continue to spin these fantastical stories as his mother's eyes welled with tears. How beautiful these pitiful and fleeting moments were.

So much antipathy. So fucking noble.

Weak and Powerless

2008-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd fear them. I never believed I would become so weak and so powerless.

She terrifies me... She's been speaking a lot, wishing a lot to be alone forever. It isn't like this is new, but it isn't ancient either. It's a craving and a sorrow she's holding. It's surfaced about a year ago, and I had hoped it would go away. It hasn't and now she's wishing she was dead.

And I'm terrified. I'm not scared of death, I'm not even scared of being alone.

But she says she doesn't want anyone anymore, no one except for me that is. To be alone together, and forget about everything else. She isn't insane, I am. And I am also afraid.

She wants to give up she says. She wants to go far far away she says.

I try and laugh and shrug it off, but I'm afraid that she is beginning to really mean it.

I'm fearful and I'm sad, sad she feels that way, and sad that I'm the reciever of her love. I'm hers, she isn't mine, and if she really willed it, I know I would have to follow her. I don't have te strength to say no. Because I'm afraid.

She's denying everything, reclusing and I see her fire dying and it's painful to watch because there is nothing I can do for her. Always negotiating, never moving forwards.

This isn't going to go away, and when she asks me I don't know what I will say. Maybe I won't say anything, I'll only shut myself away from her and we'll both die slowly but not in eachother's comfort because people are born into this world alone... and they die alone.

There's no smile of an angel without the wrath of God

2008-03-07T15:50:00.000-08:00

Oh Ville, you are the perfect dark prince. Broody, tantilizingly beautiful, a pained and hungering voice, and the most seductive eyes on both your face and back. Ha ha!

Excellent.

Aside from all of that, he also seems to have a beautiful soul. How couldn't he? He writes like an angel and sings like a demon.

"There's no smile of an angel without the wrath of God."

Too true, I've found myself in a questioning state for a very long time. When I enter these phases, it's worse than having my period. And I swear these cycles do not have any sort of connection! Anyway, now that I've thoroughly disgusted myself and probably anyone bothers reading this...

Sorry!!!

But seriously, my brain begins to throb and I can't even focus on whatever task is at hand because I'm so engrossed in trying to solve the problem in my mind. If I'm lucky it'll be something simple like the meaning of life. Of course, there are other times where it is not so simple and it lasts for weeks on end. Then I get all icky and depressed. I'm pretty good at hiding it.

Then of course there is the most annoying of all, where I don't know what the question is... but I get all of these clues. The clues come in forms of dreams, then of course thoughts when I'm too hung up on the undiscovered question to sleep, writing music or drawing music where I just sit down and draw or write with music playing, not thinking, not even listening just having my hand move. Once I discover these types of questions, they're also the hardest to solve.

Unfortunately I haven' discovered the question plaguing me this week. I have a feeling however that is has something to do with God, and something to do with insanity... maybe it's about religious nuts. If it turns out to be interesting, I'll write it down.

Writing is history, if I write you down, you're my past.

Beautiful.

Adding Shadows

2008-03-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

Amazing short film. Though it may seem to have no real plot, it holds so much emotion it its loose story frame.

The colors are what drew me to the film in the first place. The vivid reds that seem to practically vibrate between the film's central figure and the red tree.

Lately bright colors have been inspiring me a lot. Partially because of influences from one of my dearest friends, Hillary. Because truly truly truly, colors are practically her life. I love them, but I can't say they hold the same deep meaning to me, though they do completely tie into art (which is what has managed to completely engulf my life currently). So it sort of seems like a contradiction. Immediately the word art brings all these vivid images of markers and paints and clay and colored glass. All of these sharp colors just swirling around looking for a placement in the piece. All set juxtaposed they create something, something beautiful and vivid.

Maybe, I'm her opposite. Because I see color like everyone else I suppose but instead I see it both as a color but most importantly a shadow or a hue. Color's power isn't in its actual color it's in the shadow for me. However, the brighter the color the darker and intense and deeper the shadow which really really creates an amazing effect. Therefore, I feel as if I can still relate to what she feels. Which is all very helpful for my concentration pieces on her and her dreams and color. I don't think I'd be able to achieve such a realistic result which such insane colors if it weren't for this shadow vision ability.

I call it my shutter vision because it kinda works like a camera shutter. Black and white is what holds all the beauty to me. All the swirling and shades and contrast it can create by intermingling with... /everything/. Add shadows to a music and see what happens, I assure you it's magic.

I know the shadows prevent everything from being beautiful and colorful but, I wouldn't have it any other way. I find it dull and I find it harsh and abstract and neverending, and it's the most beautiful way I percieve things.

Amazing right? Just like the video and just like her and just like all the shadows in the world.

In need of a little colorshock? Check out her site: http://xxjakoxx.deviantart.com/